Full Circle at the Goose

It was in 2003 that my mentor gave me a copy of A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren. He told me that he would deny ever giving it to me if someone asked. I was thirsty for a connection with God but I had so many questions. I was not the type of person that just accepted things because everyone else did. I had spent 5 years of my life in active addiction and in 2003 my mind was clear, I was sober and ready to take on whatever was put in front of me. I was reading through book after book about the emergent church and the books against the emergent church. I was studying philosophy in school and so I was interested in post-modernism and how that philosophy affected the thinking among certain christians during that time. I remember reading D.A. Carson's book, Becoming Conversant with the Emergent Church, it was a good read but I was not swayed. I remember waiting patiently for Kester Brewin's book, The Complex Christ (UK title) to be released in the US so I could tackle another perspective on emergence. I remember listening to podcasts on the  Emergent Village website, reading blogs, and attempting to have conversations with my friends from the church about the issues. The truth is I felt alone. Although I read everything I could get my hands on I was not around others who wanted to talk about these issues. A few of my friends seemed to humor me with conversation but I wanted more and did not know where to go.

Around 2008 I pretty much gave up. I just figured I had my beliefs and I would be able to live them out no matter what arena I found myself in. I wrote my senior thesis about Post-modernsim and it's affects on the Emergent Church. I defended my paper in front of the Philosophy department professors at a Catholic School. They certainly found what I said interesting but it did not seem to garner much further discussion. I even remember emailing Brian McLaren about possible resources I could use for my paper. In his generosity he did email me back and gave me a lot to use for the paper.

I married Teresa at the end of 2008 and in September of 2009 we moved to South Florida. The only connection we had were my grandparents who attended a Plymouth Brethren church and we certainly were not going to go there. I started to look up possible places for us to go and found an emergent group about an hour away from our house. We went and she fell in love with the idea of the emergent church. Because of how far away it was we needed to find something we could go to close to our house and get involved. I walked into St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Delray Beach and immediately felt like it was home. I started to attend bible studies and asked a lot of questions. I talked about the Emergent Church and the rector fielded all of my questions and seemed open to my thoughts and beliefs. Within just a few months he asked me if I was interested in becoming the Youth Pastor (I had done it for 5 years at the Brethren Church). Of course I said yes.

So over the past few years Teresa and I have been involved with starting a church service for people seeking a deeper connection with God that is inclusive and accepting. St. Paul's has given us so much freedom and has supported our mission to be emergent in Delray Beach. Over the past few years Teresa has connected with so many people in the emergent church through her work in Young Adult Ministry, blogging, and Facebook (things I am not great at) and has led us to the Wildgoose Festival. We have attended the last two years and I feel like I have made it home. I had great conversations with some amazing people. I even had the opportunity to talk with Brian McLaren for a few minutes and felt that things had come full circle. I had the chance to tell him that his book brought me down an introspective and philosophical journey that has helped me to recognize the power and love of God that transcends human wisdom and understanding. I can only hope that I will be able to share my reflections about theology, spirituality, and philosophy with some of the wonderful people I was able to meet at Wildgoose.

The end of a pilgrimage but the journey continues

Today was our last full day in England. Tomorrow morning we will load up on the bus and head to Heathrow Airport and back to the states we go. Personally this trip has made a significant impact on my life. This pilgrimage has opened my eyes to the depth of the church and spirituality that exists within my denomination but within the church as a whole. Today a quote has been swirling around my head as I thought about what I have seen over the past week.

Malcolm Muggeridge was an English journalist who wrote many books and articles. In 1985 he gave a speech which the following quote was adapted from. In one of Ravi Zacharias' sermons he complied Muggeridges words,

"As we look back upon history what do we see? Empires rising and falling, revolutions and counter revolutions, wealth accumulated and wealth dispersed. Shakespeare has spoken of the rise and fall of great ones that ebb and flow with the moon. I heard a crazed cracked Austrian announce to the world the establishment of a German Reich that would last a thousand years. I have seen an Italian clown saying he was going to stop and restart the calendar with his own ascension to power. I have seen America more wealthier and in terms of military weaponry more powerful then the rest of the world put together that if they so desired they could have out done a Caesar or an Alexander in the range and scale of their conquest.

Hitler and Mussolini dead remembered only in infamy, stalin is a forbidden name in the regime he helped found and dominate for some three decades. America is haunted by fears of running out of the precious fluids that keeps their motorways roaring and the smog settling. All in one lifetime, all in one lifetime, all gone with the wind.

Behind the debris of the fallings of solemn supermen and imperial diplomatists lies the gigantic figure of one person, because of whom, by whom , in whom, and through whom, mankind may still survive, the person of Jesus Christ."

This quote I memorized a few years ago and I think, now I understand why. I saw the destruction and rebuilding of castles, the rise and fall of kings, the dismantling of spiritual heads of the church to be replaced by political ones. I have seen shrines to spiritual leaders in churches and cathedrals all across england. The one constant through all of the tumultuous history is Jesus, what he stood for was love, what he wanted was unity, and what he did was sacrifice. The images of Jesus on the cross was everywhere I looked, and the words of scripture written on walls and shrines and tombstones at each turn. Muggeridge's words, "because of whom, by whom, in whom, and through whom mankind may still survive" echoes so loud in my mind.

As I head back to the states, back to work, and back to daily living my hope is this journey will not fade from my memory. I want to continue seeking as I did through this trip, I want to remember why I pray, read, attend church, and meditate. I want to stay focused on understanding more of Jesus wants me to live and the opportunities to live that out. I want to continue my study of scripture and history. I thank God and St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Delray Beach for this opportunity.

To Be a Pilgrim

Today we are off to Canterbury. I know this place solely because of the name and stories I read in college. Canterbury Tales has been read for centuries by children and adults. The truth is these stories were told while Pilgrims traveled Canterbury to visit the shrine to the "holy blissful Martyr" Thomas Becket. My wife has tattooed on her wrist "every journey is a pilgrimage" and the idea of journey has been a constant in the last 10 years. To journey is to travel in some way to some place, but not necessarily physical. Sometimes our journey is happening internally. We have a spiritual journey that coincides with our physical lives. We are consistently moving somewhere both physically and spiritually.

This particular physical journey the last week has been mostly a spiritual one as well. To imagine myself worshipping in these gigantic cathedrals, walking these roads, and sleeping in a castle that so many have done before so long ago and has struck me on a spiritual level. God presence in my life, Gods presence in these places of worship, Gods presence on this spiritual journey has been felt and longed after for quite some time. I have always had a desire to seek God, even in my darkest times of self-destruction I have sought God. I always knew deep down somewhere that God was present in my life but I didn't know how to have a relationship with him. I did not know how to build that relationship, I did not know how to cultivate a relationship that would allow me to feel and know his presence.

This past week I have seen places of worship, ancient castles, unexplainable stones, and heard some of the most majestic hymns that struck a chord deep within me now understanding that God is present and God has always been present and that God will always be present. I am responsible to listen for him and trust that he is there. I am responsible to be open to the movement of Gods spirit in me and allow me to let go and let God. To be a pilgrim is to journey somewhere in hopes to find that meaning and purpose of existence, worship, and adulation. This pilgrimage of this past week has been that for me. I hope that it can continue among the chaos and pressures of everyday life and work. A true pilgrim, which I hope to be, will see those as just that work and pressure but not the purpose and meaning of my life.

Celebrating LIfe

Today we are off to Stonehenge. This site has been visited for thousands of years and continues to be one of the most visited sites to this day. Our reflection for the day is on seeing the divine in and around us. They say that the veil between heaven and earth is very thin at this site. They say that looking upon the ancient monument sends shivers down your spine and makes the hair on your arms stand up. What is incredible is that the veil between heaven and earth is also thin when we gaze upon each other. If we are created in the image and likeness of God then divine can be seen in each other. God has allowed us to see himself in all of us, but do we treat each other as if that were true.

We are told by Jesus that we are to love God and love others as we love ourselves. We are to treat other how we want to be treated. When Jesus walked this earth as some of us believe, according to the accounts of his life he went around healing and encouraging almost everyone he came in contact with. He talked about forgiveness, he spoke about acceptance, he preached about not judging others and to remove the log from our own eye before we removed the splinter from our brothers. I often ask myself if I am living that way. Am I living as if the person right next to me had the imprint of God himself. Am I treating others as Jesus treated others. Am I celebrating the very existence of life in other and in myself.

Yesterday I wrote about forgiveness, today I write about the acceptance of forgiveness and the celebration that follows when I have accepted that forgiveness. Joy comes to the heart when the reality of my freedom and forgiveness permeates my inner soul, my inner heart of understanding. I should be celebrating the fact that the person next to me shares in that same forgiveness and joy. Am I letting others know about that reality? Shouldn't I be standing from the mountaintop exclaiming to the world that they are forgiven, and all that we need to do is acknowledge that forgiveness to feel the joy and freedom that follows?

Today this is what I will do. I am, right now, letting anyone that reads this know that they are forgiven, that they are free, and that God has imprinted himself in them and Christ has taught all to live with the attitude of humility and acceptance.

Forgiveness

Over the last 6 days I have been traveling with a group from St. Pauls Episcopal Church through England learning about the history of the Anglican Church. It has been a wonderfully fulfilling trip. The history of the church throughout England has been tulmultuous yet inspiring. We have seen beautiful cathedrals and landmarks that catapult us through time. Today is our 6th day here and today's focus for our daily reflection is forgiveness. We are visiting Coventry Cathedral which in World War II was bombed and all that was left was a shell and a spire. The city Coventry was probably targeted due to its high volume of armaments, munitions, aircraft, and aero-engine plants. Today the words "Father forgive" are carved in stone behind the alter of the mediaeval cathedral and the cathedral has been a center of prayer and world peace.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject and one that is not often talked about. I remember the words of Jesus when he was talking about a woman who was cleaning his feet. He said, "Those who are forgiven much love much and those who are forgiven little love little. When I think about my life and the many people I have hurt and the many people who had to live through my self-destructive path, I can't help think how much I have been forgiven. When I think about the many times I have felt the forgiveness of God and believed the forgiveness of God, I feel blessed but also guilt because I have a difficult time forgiving those who have offended me also the many times I have not forgiven myself. Forgiveness of self is one of the most difficult things to do. I often deal with this same concept with my clients. If we believe that God has forgiven us and that he would forgive us, what makes us think that we shouldn't forgive ourselves.

God is ultimate authority and when we don't forgive ourselves we are essentially saying that we know better than God. I am reminded of Dallas Willard when he says, "The greatest saints are not those who need less grace, but those who consume the most grace, those who are most in need of grace, who entire beings are saturated by grace, grace to them is like breath." God has reached out his loving hand to us and has told us in order to love you must experience the grace and forgiveness of the father. Our response is to accept this forgiveness and live as if we are forgiven. A few years ago an Amish school building was shot up by a belligerent man. School children were killed and injured. The Amish in response publicly announced that they forgive the man who did it because they believed that Christ would forgive him. If entire people groups and God himself can forgive, why can't I? What stops me from forgiving myself for my wrongdoings? Is it my ego? Is it my pride? Do I think that I am above wrongdoing and so therefore beat myself up when I do wrong?

This is a question that I plan on pondering for the day. I am hopeful that I will begin the process of forgiving myself and in turn being able to love how Christ loved. I hope that I can experience and accept the grace of God that is so freely given.

C'mon THINK!

I am a firm believer in living the holistic life. We are more than just our bodies, more than just our minds, more than just our spirits, in fact, we are all three, simultaneously attempting to understand our own existence. We spend most of our lives focusing on attaining happiness for just one part of us. There are some who will study study study so that their minds are completely saturated with knowledge in hopes of finding happiness for their minds. Others will live hedonistically in order to attain happiness for their bodies. And still there are some who spend their entire lives trying to reach some spiritual nirvana in hopes of finding happiness for their spirits. We search and search for something or someone or some state of being that will give us happiness and peace and comfort. I believe that having a balanced life is a combination of all three. Recognizing that the mind can be expanded and our knowledge can increase while realizing that to deny the body pleasure is to deny a very important part of being human. Searching for meaning and purpose in our lives opens the door for the spiritual world to come in and transform us bringing us closer to the divine that gives us life and breath. I believe it is of the utmost importance to recognize these aspects of the human and try and balance them in your life.

Now that I have explained my core belief about all parts of the human soul, I want to now just focus on the mind. The 1990's drug commercial echos in my ear "the mind is a terrible thing to waste" and "this is your brain" an egg is cracked open on a skillet that has not been heated, "this is your brain on drugs" the skillet is lit and the egg begins to fry, "any questions?" Yes, what if I like my eggs scrambled? The point is we have these powerful mega computers available at least 16 hours a day and for some strange reason we refuse to use them. Computers work primarily with logic, if you add two plus two you will get 4, its simple. Anything put in the computer will react with a logical response. If you press the power button the computer will respond either by turning on or turning off. If you are using a word processor and your hit the backspace button the cursor will move back a space. The computer reacts logically with your commands. Often times if there is a problem I have come to realize that its most the operator, not the computer. Also if your computer is not working properly (mostly dell computers) its because it has caught a virus of some sort which is usually because of the operator who was careless with his or her downloading. The movie "AI" is about a boy robot who wants to become real. The whole movie the little robotic boy is looking for the blue fairy from Pinocchio to turn him into a real boy. The creator of the little robotic boy tells him that he is as close to real as possible for a robot but the boy does not believe it. The difference between computers and humans is the fact that humans have emotions. Often times these emotions block the logical expressions from being completed.

I have been accused of not having any emotions. I have emotions but I rarely express them. I guess the reality is I will often reject my own emotional response because it does not conform to logic. This at times comes across as cold, hard hearted, and mean. To be honest, it is sometimes and I have often asked myself, "are you a sociopath?" "Do you and Dexter really have something in common?" The answer is no. I came to realize that although I don't express my emotions immediately in the moment, its not as if I don't have them but its more like I need to process them through my computer in order to accept whether or not they conform to reality. Its like sitting in a big room with a hundred other people. Across the room there is this guy who is sitting about forty feet away and as you are scanning the room you notice he is giving you dirty looks. It seems that he is staring at you and eyeing you up and down. You begin to get angry and indignant. You start to say to yourself, "Who is this guy eyeing me up and down?" Your anger begins to grow you start to get emotional and you get up and start charging at this guy. Before you know it your in a screaming match with some strange guy because you thought he was giving you dirty looks.

Now lets look at the scenario using logic. Your in this room and as your scanning the room you notice a guy looking in your direction. You don't know who he is, you have never seen him before. He is forty feet away so its difficult to really see what expression he has on his face but you can tell that he is looking in your direction. Instead of getting mad you think about the situation and look around you. You notice this beautiful woman sitting right behind you at a table. As you look at the guy you realize that it is not you he is looking at but this woman sitting behind you.

Looking at these two reactions to the same situation is, or at least should be, very revealing. So many times in life our emotions cloud our ability to think through a situation. We immediately allow our emotions to dictate our response to a specific circumstance and so many times this has caused our lives great pain and stress. If we would have taken a moment to actually use that powerful computer we call the mind we may have avoided an embarrassing and unnecessary moment.

Using the mind (logic) and experience is also a helpful way to live our lives. So many times I have heard that so and so is lying. I ask, "have they ever lied to you before?" "No!" "Have they ever given you a reason to think that they are lying?" "No!" "So why do you suspect that they are lying now?" "I don't know." Its like we have lost the ability to put the pieces together. In life we are given a giant puzzle and asked to use your minds and examine the pieces and see which ones actually fit together. So often in life we close our eyes and try to feel the sides of the pieces and put the puzzle together that way. It is difficult and unnecessary. Why dismiss a vital part of putting a puzzle together by forgetting to use our eyes? Why go through life operating with only one tool to put the puzzle together. I believe it is time we start to think. I believe it is time we start to recognize that our emotions are beautiful but dangerous. I believe it is time we learn to regulate our emotions by using our minds (logic) to recognize when our emotions are lying to us about reality.

A letter to Daniel F. Pasquale

Yo D,

Its been almost 7 full years since I have seen you and man have things changed. Since that unfortunate night when you decided to explore the world beyond the physical, I have encountered many positive and negative consequences to the life that we were living. The one thing you were right about was when you said, "Chris one day you'll stop," I did stop! The day that you told me that was the day that everything changed, and I made a decision (Thank God) to stop living the chaotic lifestyle of drugs.

Daniel you should have seen your goodbye party, man it was packed, there were lines all the way down the block just for you. So many people wanted to get one last glimpse of you before you disappeared. You know I saw so many people from our past. Kids we went to school with, teachers we had at Becton and Faust, D it was crazy. Yea people were crying and there was this one girl who crying all over you, that was a bit disturbing, but anyway so many people cared about you and really wanted to say goodbye. You always had the amazing ability to leave a lasting impression on people. It was your birthday the other day and there were some people that actually remembered even after all these years.

I wish you were around to see the way that things have turned out. Get this, Dad is remarried, Kelly lives in NJ, Mom lives in NJ, and I live in Florida and I am married. Crazy huh? I actually went back to college and got a degree and am working as an Addictions Counselor. You see after you left and, well, basically I had to figure out what the heck I was going to do with myself. I realized that the only way I was going to figure this whole life thing out was to go to school and find God again. Remember when I would always say that the only way to get out of this life was to go back to God and build a relationship with Him, well after you left I really did it. I got down on my knees and really turned it over to him. I started talking with Gerard every week, really, every couple of days and started going to church. It was exactly as I expected it to be.

Finding God really gave me some direction in life. It wasn't as if I had an epiphany or vision but I knew that whatever the outcome of school was going to be that God would guide and direct me. Well thats exactly what happened. Somehow I ended up helping addicts get through their addiction. I didn't plan for this to happen, I really didn't, but somehow it just happened. Get this remember when you were in Florida for that short time, well I actually went their looking for a job a couple of weeks ago. It was kinda funny walking into that building, I remember going to the family day or something while you were there.

Daniel there is so much that I could tell you about life nowadays. It is so different! The hunt is over, the depression is over, the hopelessness is over, the pain is over, the lostness is over, Daniel life actually is amazing! I enjoy my life so much, now its not perfect and sometimes things aren't exactly the way I want them but the simple fact that I do not have to face the difficulties of life with that monkey on my back is so freeing. I have never felt so free in my life. I wish you were here to experience this kind of life. I sometimes sit and just cry thinking about the fact that you are missing so many wonderful experiences and that you never found this peace while you were with us here. I know that you have that peace now and one day I will see you again to experience it with you.

Chris