Full Circle at the Goose

It was in 2003 that my mentor gave me a copy of A New Kind of Christian by Brian McLaren. He told me that he would deny ever giving it to me if someone asked. I was thirsty for a connection with God but I had so many questions. I was not the type of person that just accepted things because everyone else did. I had spent 5 years of my life in active addiction and in 2003 my mind was clear, I was sober and ready to take on whatever was put in front of me. I was reading through book after book about the emergent church and the books against the emergent church. I was studying philosophy in school and so I was interested in post-modernism and how that philosophy affected the thinking among certain christians during that time. I remember reading D.A. Carson's book, Becoming Conversant with the Emergent Church, it was a good read but I was not swayed. I remember waiting patiently for Kester Brewin's book, The Complex Christ (UK title) to be released in the US so I could tackle another perspective on emergence. I remember listening to podcasts on the  Emergent Village website, reading blogs, and attempting to have conversations with my friends from the church about the issues. The truth is I felt alone. Although I read everything I could get my hands on I was not around others who wanted to talk about these issues. A few of my friends seemed to humor me with conversation but I wanted more and did not know where to go.

Around 2008 I pretty much gave up. I just figured I had my beliefs and I would be able to live them out no matter what arena I found myself in. I wrote my senior thesis about Post-modernsim and it's affects on the Emergent Church. I defended my paper in front of the Philosophy department professors at a Catholic School. They certainly found what I said interesting but it did not seem to garner much further discussion. I even remember emailing Brian McLaren about possible resources I could use for my paper. In his generosity he did email me back and gave me a lot to use for the paper.

I married Teresa at the end of 2008 and in September of 2009 we moved to South Florida. The only connection we had were my grandparents who attended a Plymouth Brethren church and we certainly were not going to go there. I started to look up possible places for us to go and found an emergent group about an hour away from our house. We went and she fell in love with the idea of the emergent church. Because of how far away it was we needed to find something we could go to close to our house and get involved. I walked into St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Delray Beach and immediately felt like it was home. I started to attend bible studies and asked a lot of questions. I talked about the Emergent Church and the rector fielded all of my questions and seemed open to my thoughts and beliefs. Within just a few months he asked me if I was interested in becoming the Youth Pastor (I had done it for 5 years at the Brethren Church). Of course I said yes.

So over the past few years Teresa and I have been involved with starting a church service for people seeking a deeper connection with God that is inclusive and accepting. St. Paul's has given us so much freedom and has supported our mission to be emergent in Delray Beach. Over the past few years Teresa has connected with so many people in the emergent church through her work in Young Adult Ministry, blogging, and Facebook (things I am not great at) and has led us to the Wildgoose Festival. We have attended the last two years and I feel like I have made it home. I had great conversations with some amazing people. I even had the opportunity to talk with Brian McLaren for a few minutes and felt that things had come full circle. I had the chance to tell him that his book brought me down an introspective and philosophical journey that has helped me to recognize the power and love of God that transcends human wisdom and understanding. I can only hope that I will be able to share my reflections about theology, spirituality, and philosophy with some of the wonderful people I was able to meet at Wildgoose.

The end of a pilgrimage but the journey continues

Today was our last full day in England. Tomorrow morning we will load up on the bus and head to Heathrow Airport and back to the states we go. Personally this trip has made a significant impact on my life. This pilgrimage has opened my eyes to the depth of the church and spirituality that exists within my denomination but within the church as a whole. Today a quote has been swirling around my head as I thought about what I have seen over the past week.

Malcolm Muggeridge was an English journalist who wrote many books and articles. In 1985 he gave a speech which the following quote was adapted from. In one of Ravi Zacharias' sermons he complied Muggeridges words,

"As we look back upon history what do we see? Empires rising and falling, revolutions and counter revolutions, wealth accumulated and wealth dispersed. Shakespeare has spoken of the rise and fall of great ones that ebb and flow with the moon. I heard a crazed cracked Austrian announce to the world the establishment of a German Reich that would last a thousand years. I have seen an Italian clown saying he was going to stop and restart the calendar with his own ascension to power. I have seen America more wealthier and in terms of military weaponry more powerful then the rest of the world put together that if they so desired they could have out done a Caesar or an Alexander in the range and scale of their conquest.

Hitler and Mussolini dead remembered only in infamy, stalin is a forbidden name in the regime he helped found and dominate for some three decades. America is haunted by fears of running out of the precious fluids that keeps their motorways roaring and the smog settling. All in one lifetime, all in one lifetime, all gone with the wind.

Behind the debris of the fallings of solemn supermen and imperial diplomatists lies the gigantic figure of one person, because of whom, by whom , in whom, and through whom, mankind may still survive, the person of Jesus Christ."

This quote I memorized a few years ago and I think, now I understand why. I saw the destruction and rebuilding of castles, the rise and fall of kings, the dismantling of spiritual heads of the church to be replaced by political ones. I have seen shrines to spiritual leaders in churches and cathedrals all across england. The one constant through all of the tumultuous history is Jesus, what he stood for was love, what he wanted was unity, and what he did was sacrifice. The images of Jesus on the cross was everywhere I looked, and the words of scripture written on walls and shrines and tombstones at each turn. Muggeridge's words, "because of whom, by whom, in whom, and through whom mankind may still survive" echoes so loud in my mind.

As I head back to the states, back to work, and back to daily living my hope is this journey will not fade from my memory. I want to continue seeking as I did through this trip, I want to remember why I pray, read, attend church, and meditate. I want to stay focused on understanding more of Jesus wants me to live and the opportunities to live that out. I want to continue my study of scripture and history. I thank God and St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Delray Beach for this opportunity.

Celebrating LIfe

Today we are off to Stonehenge. This site has been visited for thousands of years and continues to be one of the most visited sites to this day. Our reflection for the day is on seeing the divine in and around us. They say that the veil between heaven and earth is very thin at this site. They say that looking upon the ancient monument sends shivers down your spine and makes the hair on your arms stand up. What is incredible is that the veil between heaven and earth is also thin when we gaze upon each other. If we are created in the image and likeness of God then divine can be seen in each other. God has allowed us to see himself in all of us, but do we treat each other as if that were true.

We are told by Jesus that we are to love God and love others as we love ourselves. We are to treat other how we want to be treated. When Jesus walked this earth as some of us believe, according to the accounts of his life he went around healing and encouraging almost everyone he came in contact with. He talked about forgiveness, he spoke about acceptance, he preached about not judging others and to remove the log from our own eye before we removed the splinter from our brothers. I often ask myself if I am living that way. Am I living as if the person right next to me had the imprint of God himself. Am I treating others as Jesus treated others. Am I celebrating the very existence of life in other and in myself.

Yesterday I wrote about forgiveness, today I write about the acceptance of forgiveness and the celebration that follows when I have accepted that forgiveness. Joy comes to the heart when the reality of my freedom and forgiveness permeates my inner soul, my inner heart of understanding. I should be celebrating the fact that the person next to me shares in that same forgiveness and joy. Am I letting others know about that reality? Shouldn't I be standing from the mountaintop exclaiming to the world that they are forgiven, and all that we need to do is acknowledge that forgiveness to feel the joy and freedom that follows?

Today this is what I will do. I am, right now, letting anyone that reads this know that they are forgiven, that they are free, and that God has imprinted himself in them and Christ has taught all to live with the attitude of humility and acceptance.

Forgiveness

Over the last 6 days I have been traveling with a group from St. Pauls Episcopal Church through England learning about the history of the Anglican Church. It has been a wonderfully fulfilling trip. The history of the church throughout England has been tulmultuous yet inspiring. We have seen beautiful cathedrals and landmarks that catapult us through time. Today is our 6th day here and today's focus for our daily reflection is forgiveness. We are visiting Coventry Cathedral which in World War II was bombed and all that was left was a shell and a spire. The city Coventry was probably targeted due to its high volume of armaments, munitions, aircraft, and aero-engine plants. Today the words "Father forgive" are carved in stone behind the alter of the mediaeval cathedral and the cathedral has been a center of prayer and world peace.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject and one that is not often talked about. I remember the words of Jesus when he was talking about a woman who was cleaning his feet. He said, "Those who are forgiven much love much and those who are forgiven little love little. When I think about my life and the many people I have hurt and the many people who had to live through my self-destructive path, I can't help think how much I have been forgiven. When I think about the many times I have felt the forgiveness of God and believed the forgiveness of God, I feel blessed but also guilt because I have a difficult time forgiving those who have offended me also the many times I have not forgiven myself. Forgiveness of self is one of the most difficult things to do. I often deal with this same concept with my clients. If we believe that God has forgiven us and that he would forgive us, what makes us think that we shouldn't forgive ourselves.

God is ultimate authority and when we don't forgive ourselves we are essentially saying that we know better than God. I am reminded of Dallas Willard when he says, "The greatest saints are not those who need less grace, but those who consume the most grace, those who are most in need of grace, who entire beings are saturated by grace, grace to them is like breath." God has reached out his loving hand to us and has told us in order to love you must experience the grace and forgiveness of the father. Our response is to accept this forgiveness and live as if we are forgiven. A few years ago an Amish school building was shot up by a belligerent man. School children were killed and injured. The Amish in response publicly announced that they forgive the man who did it because they believed that Christ would forgive him. If entire people groups and God himself can forgive, why can't I? What stops me from forgiving myself for my wrongdoings? Is it my ego? Is it my pride? Do I think that I am above wrongdoing and so therefore beat myself up when I do wrong?

This is a question that I plan on pondering for the day. I am hopeful that I will begin the process of forgiving myself and in turn being able to love how Christ loved. I hope that I can experience and accept the grace of God that is so freely given.

Failure is Fundamental

Yesterday I failed. Yesterday I did not practice what I so often preach. Yesterday was a fundamental day for growth. I did not realize that it was a day for growth until this morning while I was running a group. Every morning the group that I run reads from the Just for Today daily meditation. Todays meditation was "The relief of 'letting go and letting God' helps us develop a life that is worth living." Yesterday I I did not let God at all. Yesterday I was angry and frustrated with life. Yesterday morning I woke up and as normal fed the dogs. When I went to fill up their water for the morning I realized that the water was not coming out of the faucet with any pressure. I didn't think anything of it and continued with my daily routine. When I returned from playing fetch with guinness I went to fill up his bowl again and now nothing was coming out of the faucet. I quickly went and checked the bathroom faucet and nothing the shower, nothing. We had no water coming into our house. That mean no toilet either. I thought now what.

Our house uses well water and so there is pump and a water filtration system located just outside of the house. When I went out there I noticed that the water tank was empty and the pressure gauge showed there was not pressure. I realized at that moment the problem was probably the pump. I called a company to give me a free estimate because my landlord was not answering his phone and neither was his wife. Each moment I did not have water I was getting more and more frustrated. When this company came to give me a quote they told me that it would be 14 hundred dollars. I found that strange because when I looked up prices for new pumps I found some for about 2 hundred dollars. Well I knew that I couldn't have anyone do anything until I talked with the landlord and I still hadn't heard from him.

We decided to go to the movies and go food shopping and wait for the landlord to call me back so he can do whatever he needed to do. Well to make a long story short I did not hear from him until I called him again at 10 o'clock this morning. Well the interesting thing is that my first group of the day I read the mediation to a group of guys and we discussed letting go and letting God. During and after I realized that I had failed at the very thing that I was teaching to someone else. Letting go and letting God is very simple but complex at the same time. Letting go and letting God means that you leave all the uncontrolable things in your life in his hands. I could not control the water or the fact that I couldn't reach my landlord. Although I thought of many ways that I could find him but going to his house, calling the church he goes to, even looking up on the internet to find out if he had any family in the area. I wanted to control the situation but it was one that was completely out of control and the only thing I could control, my attitude, I did a terrible job. I wasted an entire non-work day frustrated rather than soaking in the quiet non-work time with my wife.

Today I apologized to her for allowing this uncontrolable thing to control me. My plan is to wake up each day and repeat that very simple statement. Today I will let go and let God.

How's that humble pie?

What does it mean to be humble? What does it mean to accept the possibility that you may be wrong? Humility is not something that a lot of us are accustomed to, we don't like it and we want none of it. Humility is about acceptance and honesty, humility is about seeing beyond your own scope and recognizing that there may be more to something than you can see. Humility is knowing your place in the world and accepting it. We expect children to be humble and listen to what we tell them because we are older and we know more, we expect our subordinates at our jobs to be humble because we are the managers and supervisors, sometimes we expect our spouse's to be humble because we know more about a specific subject than they do, we expect humility from other people, but rarely do we practice this principle in our own lives.

The apostle Paul wrote, "the man who thinks he knows something does not yet know what he should know." We are a people who claim to know everything. We have all the information we can possibly want right at our fingertips. If I want to know what the year 200 b.c was like all I need to do is press a couple of keys and there it is, if I want to know who won the olympic games 40 years ago, its easy to find. In our world knowledge and information is so easy to acquire that we have all, in our own minds, become experts on any topic. The problem with this is that in reality we are not experts. We base most of what we know on google searches and wiki answers. We have not done the real work of study needed to become experts in anything.

Socrates said, "the only thing I know is that I know nothing." Socrates was a great teacher who using his own method. When someone came to him and asked him a question, Socrates would often ask a question back to the person and allow the person to come to the answer on his own. We call this the Socratic Method. Socrates believed that the answers to questions we hidden deep in the person and that he needed to do was allow them to see that they had the answer already. He would cause people to think and use their rational faculties in order to come to an understanding of things. Jesus often used this method (although I don't think he would have called it the Socratic Method) often with those that would listen to him speak. Someone would ask him a question and he would tell a story and then ask a question to the questioner. Asking questions to me is a sign of humility, it points to the fact that you don't know something but you believe the someone else might.

I believe that asking questions is a vital part of spiritual growth. When we want to understand something on a deeper level we ask questions in hopes that we will find the deeper meaning. Unfortunately asking questions in certain settings has been deemed inappropriate. What if you were sitting in church one day and the preacher says something that you didn't understand or even agree with? Would you just sit there and accept what he said or would you go up and ask him afterward to further explain? If you leave church that day without getting any clarification, then either you ignored him and kept thinking the way you want (not humble) or you just believed what he said and threw out your own understanding (not humble). In my understanding the best thing would be to go and speak to the person and ask questions. The person speaking may have more insight for you to better understand and so its possible that you may learn something new. Or maybe you may have more insight than that person and that person may learn something new.

Humility is not throwing away all your knowledge and experience, humility is recognizing that you may not know everything. Wisdom is combining what you have experienced and what information you have studied and conversing with those who have experienced and studied other things. Can you imagine if we were more open to others in our daily lives? Can you imagine what we can learn and what we can accomplish by pooling all the experience and knowledge around us?

I wonder what church would look like if we didn't have all these denominational splits. I wonder what would happen if we opened the doors to new ways of worship and study. I wonder if we are missing an experience with God because the name above the door to our church is different than the one down the road.

About 5 years ago I was exposed to a very different type of worship. I had never been to a Pentecostal church before and didn't know what to expect. As I sat in the seats listening to the loud music, watching people dance waving flags, trying to understand the people prostrating themselves, I prayed to God. I prayed that He would allow me to see the beauty in this form of worship and push out all my presuppositions and beliefs that the way I do it, in my church, is the only way it can be done. That prayer has been repeated many times over the last 5 years. It was a piece of humble pie that I needed to eat. I believe that piece of pie forever changed my life and has opened me up to the God is not boxed into my own understanding. God does not belong in our boxes, he doesn't belong in any box or confined space, so why do we try and put him there?

Still Looking for That Perfect Mirror

Reading... Thinking... Reading... Thinking...

My reading's lately have led me to think about a time about 25 years ago where my thinking began. About two weeks ago my father and I drove down to Florida to make my final move to the Sunshine State. It was a great ride. Although long and tiresome I have made that drive with my father so many times and each time and deeper bond is formed with him. My father has not only been my father but a real friend to me over the years. We communicate (as typical father and son) well together and we are not afraid to say whats on our minds. He critiques me, I critique him, he praises me, I praise him. He has taught me a lot of things and I believe that I have taught him some things. Well during this last drive to Florida we talked about contemplation and I can remember the first time I ever really contemplated things. It was when I was about 5 or 6 and we were driving down to Florida as a family to visit relatives. I was sitting in the backseat and looking out the window. In a car driving next to us I saw a woman crying. At that moment my mind started to contemplate why she was crying and I realized something, I realized that I have no idea why she is crying and I will never know. I realized that there was an entire world out there that I would have no knowledge or information about. I realized that my little world that included close family and some friends was not the center of the world just a part of it. Ever since then I have been asking these questions for better or worse.

My close friends are the same way. I have a handful of people that I would consider not just friends but family and each of them share this problem. I call it a problem because it creates a lot noise in the mind. It is difficult to look around you without thinking about all the problems all the issues that are going unsolved and unnoticed. When I was in college and working on the student development team my boss always called me a critical realist. He said that I was cynical and I often saw the problems with everything. Even within the different companies that I have worked I was called upon to make things better to see what the issues were and fix them. In some places I have been successful and in others I have not. The one place where I see failure all the times is in my own life and spiritual quests. I have a hard time seeing the problem and when the problem is pointed out I have an even harder time trying to fix it.

I was listening to a children's book the other day called A King Without a Shadow and in the book this King tries to understand where shadows come from and so he asks the wise men in his court about them and they talk to him about mirrors. They tell him that although he can see his reflection thats all that it is and it is imperfect. Actually, they say, you can never see yourself perfectly and you can never see yourself as other people see you. So when you are trying to change something about yourself, it seems to be best to ask for help.

King David wrote, "Search me oh God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me and lead me to the way of everlasting."

These last couple weeks of just moving to Florida and spending my mornings reading that thinking has led me back to this place. I want to be stretched in my life, I want to move forward I want to be better than I was yesterday and tomorrow I want to be better than I was today. I need help. I need the help of God and I need the help of others, I need to stay thinking and contemplating my life and the world around me. I need to notice things and keep my eyes open instead of walking around half asleep to others and myself.

I am thankful for my wife and the friends that I have, I am thankful for my father and the rest of my family who are so open with me and willing (sometimes a little to willing) to let me know what they see in me. I am thankful that God has a relationship with me and treats me as my friends and family treat me. He is willing to show me what I am to blind to see. Even though I consider myself a thinker and one who is willing to contemplate the big picture, I am still in need of others.

Why even care about spiritual practices

Brian McLaren wrote, “You can’t take an epidural shot to ease the pain of giving birth to character. In a sense, every day of your life is labor: the rhythmic agony of producing the person who will wake up in the your body tomorrow, creating your reputation, continuing your legacy, and influencing your family, friends, colleagues, neighbors, and countless strangers, for better or worse. It is questionable whether you can ever be exactly the same person for two consecutive days: what today throws at you will force you to become better or bitter for tomorrow; it will push you toward breakdown or breakthrough, nudge you a step closer to courage, nobility, charity, integrity, and honor... or otherwise.

It seems to me that working on my character is not top priority. Growing up some of the most important things in life consisted of being tough, being cool, having money, having clothes, and fresh pair of kicks. None of those things actually prepare you for the real world. In my estimation the real world is not the world filled with meaningless jobs, meaningless conversations, and meaningless relationships. The world is much bigger and deeper. We tread mostly on the top soil of the world. We focus on the exterior rather reaching the depths where real sustenance begins. We must get to the root.

I believe that spiritual practices will bring us to that place. “Spiritual practices are actions within our power that help us narrow the gap. They help us become someone weighty, someone worthy of a name and reputation, someone who makes survival worthwhile by turning life’s manure into fertilizer.”

In my life I have had to deal with some manure. Some has stayed manure and others I have turned into fertilizer. The recognition that I have manure is the first step towards changing it. I feel so often that I have allowed my pride and my insecurities to prevent me from changing and morphing some of that manure. If you are walking down the road or in some field and you are watching the ground you can notice if someone has not picked up after their dog and you can avoid it. The problem is for me so often I am looking in the wrong direction and I step right in it (its probably one of my dogs anyway). I am not aware enough. I am not willing to look hard enough probably because of fear, fear of what I might find.

I need to alter my vision. I need to focus on what is important in life. There is a deep longing to be connected to something bigger than myself. Many people in history have felt that longing and have used spiritual practices to satisfy that longing, to find that connection, to identify what is most important in life.

Prayer: God I ask that you will open my eyes and allow me to see, I ask that you will open my ears and allow me to hear. As I practice these principles and and allow your spirit to guide and direct me, open my heart to your beauty, open my heart to what is important in this life.