The end of a pilgrimage but the journey continues

Today was our last full day in England. Tomorrow morning we will load up on the bus and head to Heathrow Airport and back to the states we go. Personally this trip has made a significant impact on my life. This pilgrimage has opened my eyes to the depth of the church and spirituality that exists within my denomination but within the church as a whole. Today a quote has been swirling around my head as I thought about what I have seen over the past week.

Malcolm Muggeridge was an English journalist who wrote many books and articles. In 1985 he gave a speech which the following quote was adapted from. In one of Ravi Zacharias' sermons he complied Muggeridges words,

"As we look back upon history what do we see? Empires rising and falling, revolutions and counter revolutions, wealth accumulated and wealth dispersed. Shakespeare has spoken of the rise and fall of great ones that ebb and flow with the moon. I heard a crazed cracked Austrian announce to the world the establishment of a German Reich that would last a thousand years. I have seen an Italian clown saying he was going to stop and restart the calendar with his own ascension to power. I have seen America more wealthier and in terms of military weaponry more powerful then the rest of the world put together that if they so desired they could have out done a Caesar or an Alexander in the range and scale of their conquest.

Hitler and Mussolini dead remembered only in infamy, stalin is a forbidden name in the regime he helped found and dominate for some three decades. America is haunted by fears of running out of the precious fluids that keeps their motorways roaring and the smog settling. All in one lifetime, all in one lifetime, all gone with the wind.

Behind the debris of the fallings of solemn supermen and imperial diplomatists lies the gigantic figure of one person, because of whom, by whom , in whom, and through whom, mankind may still survive, the person of Jesus Christ."

This quote I memorized a few years ago and I think, now I understand why. I saw the destruction and rebuilding of castles, the rise and fall of kings, the dismantling of spiritual heads of the church to be replaced by political ones. I have seen shrines to spiritual leaders in churches and cathedrals all across england. The one constant through all of the tumultuous history is Jesus, what he stood for was love, what he wanted was unity, and what he did was sacrifice. The images of Jesus on the cross was everywhere I looked, and the words of scripture written on walls and shrines and tombstones at each turn. Muggeridge's words, "because of whom, by whom, in whom, and through whom mankind may still survive" echoes so loud in my mind.

As I head back to the states, back to work, and back to daily living my hope is this journey will not fade from my memory. I want to continue seeking as I did through this trip, I want to remember why I pray, read, attend church, and meditate. I want to stay focused on understanding more of Jesus wants me to live and the opportunities to live that out. I want to continue my study of scripture and history. I thank God and St. Paul's Episcopal Church in Delray Beach for this opportunity.

Celebrating LIfe

Today we are off to Stonehenge. This site has been visited for thousands of years and continues to be one of the most visited sites to this day. Our reflection for the day is on seeing the divine in and around us. They say that the veil between heaven and earth is very thin at this site. They say that looking upon the ancient monument sends shivers down your spine and makes the hair on your arms stand up. What is incredible is that the veil between heaven and earth is also thin when we gaze upon each other. If we are created in the image and likeness of God then divine can be seen in each other. God has allowed us to see himself in all of us, but do we treat each other as if that were true.

We are told by Jesus that we are to love God and love others as we love ourselves. We are to treat other how we want to be treated. When Jesus walked this earth as some of us believe, according to the accounts of his life he went around healing and encouraging almost everyone he came in contact with. He talked about forgiveness, he spoke about acceptance, he preached about not judging others and to remove the log from our own eye before we removed the splinter from our brothers. I often ask myself if I am living that way. Am I living as if the person right next to me had the imprint of God himself. Am I treating others as Jesus treated others. Am I celebrating the very existence of life in other and in myself.

Yesterday I wrote about forgiveness, today I write about the acceptance of forgiveness and the celebration that follows when I have accepted that forgiveness. Joy comes to the heart when the reality of my freedom and forgiveness permeates my inner soul, my inner heart of understanding. I should be celebrating the fact that the person next to me shares in that same forgiveness and joy. Am I letting others know about that reality? Shouldn't I be standing from the mountaintop exclaiming to the world that they are forgiven, and all that we need to do is acknowledge that forgiveness to feel the joy and freedom that follows?

Today this is what I will do. I am, right now, letting anyone that reads this know that they are forgiven, that they are free, and that God has imprinted himself in them and Christ has taught all to live with the attitude of humility and acceptance.

Forgiveness

Over the last 6 days I have been traveling with a group from St. Pauls Episcopal Church through England learning about the history of the Anglican Church. It has been a wonderfully fulfilling trip. The history of the church throughout England has been tulmultuous yet inspiring. We have seen beautiful cathedrals and landmarks that catapult us through time. Today is our 6th day here and today's focus for our daily reflection is forgiveness. We are visiting Coventry Cathedral which in World War II was bombed and all that was left was a shell and a spire. The city Coventry was probably targeted due to its high volume of armaments, munitions, aircraft, and aero-engine plants. Today the words "Father forgive" are carved in stone behind the alter of the mediaeval cathedral and the cathedral has been a center of prayer and world peace.

Forgiveness is a touchy subject and one that is not often talked about. I remember the words of Jesus when he was talking about a woman who was cleaning his feet. He said, "Those who are forgiven much love much and those who are forgiven little love little. When I think about my life and the many people I have hurt and the many people who had to live through my self-destructive path, I can't help think how much I have been forgiven. When I think about the many times I have felt the forgiveness of God and believed the forgiveness of God, I feel blessed but also guilt because I have a difficult time forgiving those who have offended me also the many times I have not forgiven myself. Forgiveness of self is one of the most difficult things to do. I often deal with this same concept with my clients. If we believe that God has forgiven us and that he would forgive us, what makes us think that we shouldn't forgive ourselves.

God is ultimate authority and when we don't forgive ourselves we are essentially saying that we know better than God. I am reminded of Dallas Willard when he says, "The greatest saints are not those who need less grace, but those who consume the most grace, those who are most in need of grace, who entire beings are saturated by grace, grace to them is like breath." God has reached out his loving hand to us and has told us in order to love you must experience the grace and forgiveness of the father. Our response is to accept this forgiveness and live as if we are forgiven. A few years ago an Amish school building was shot up by a belligerent man. School children were killed and injured. The Amish in response publicly announced that they forgive the man who did it because they believed that Christ would forgive him. If entire people groups and God himself can forgive, why can't I? What stops me from forgiving myself for my wrongdoings? Is it my ego? Is it my pride? Do I think that I am above wrongdoing and so therefore beat myself up when I do wrong?

This is a question that I plan on pondering for the day. I am hopeful that I will begin the process of forgiving myself and in turn being able to love how Christ loved. I hope that I can experience and accept the grace of God that is so freely given.

Practice Makes Perfect

Practice Practice Practice... These are the words that are echoing in my mind every day. I need to practice self control, I need to practice love, I need to practice mediation, I need to practice exercise, I need to practice eating healthy, I need to practice reading, I need to practice sleeping, I need to practice practice practice, but why? Why are these things so important? Why is practice necessary for the things listed above?

The reason for practice is so that one can get better at something. I remember this going back to my days of playing baseball. Just before our season would start the coach would call and say that we are going to start practicing two days a week in order to get ready for the season. Each practice we would hit, run, throw, learn signs, and go over scenarios so that we would be prepared if they happened in a game. Since I was one of the pitchers, the catcher and I would go over our own signs for each pitch that I threw. I remember I was 14 or 15 and our team had a new coach. As a kid having a new coach was always hard. You never knew what kind of coach he would be and whether he would be hard (which isn't bad) or too soft (which is bad) on the team. Well this coach and his style is forever etched into my memory. He may not realize but he made such a lasting impression on me. He took time teaching me very important skills about pitching a baseball. I remember one day he was teaching me how to throw from the stretch, which is used when someone is on base, over and over and over again. He would practice the same thing until the whole team go it down. He helped me understand that importance of practice and what the results can be. That year our team won the championship and I received the M.V.P plaque. If it was not for this coach pushing us to practice everyday and not give in to our tiredness or youthful immaturity in not understanding why we kept doing the same thing, we would not have been able to win that year. This coach seemed to understand the reason why practicing was so important and necessary to be successful. If he ever reads this I want him to know that he has always been someone I looked up to.

In trying to become more like Jesus I need to practice the things that he lived out each day. I have tried to become more focused on his teachings and his actions in order to put others before myself, take good care of myself, and spend more time listening to what God has to say to me. How have I done? If I honestly critique the last couple of weeks in practicing more of this Jesus lifestyle... well... Its been ok, maybe a 40/60 split with Jesus at 40 and the rest of the time 60. I will be practicing, waking up early, reading, meditating, exercising, loving, eating healthy, and going to bed earlier each day, sometimes I will fail, I did not win every game I pitched but when I did lose I did not let that stop me. Even to this day I play old mans softball because of the love I have for the game, I will now show my love for Jesus by practicing and living a life that mirrors his.

Life is Fragile

I wake this morning with the gruesome images of the fatal accident Teresa and I witnessed flashing through my mind. Yesterday started as a gloriously beautiful day filled with fun and relaxation. We walked around the our town and took in the sun and sights of a bustling little city near the sea. We had a wonderful healthful lunch poolside as our dogs enjoyed the water and the rawhide meat sticks. We planned on attending a movie at The Palace Theatre in Boca Raton, we even splurged and bought balcony extra large seat seating. All day we talked of our decision to move to South Florida and how thankful we were for things falling into place after our daring decision to up and move 1200 miles away from home. It was such a pleasant day and we looked forward to a wonderful evening at the movies.

At around 5:46 pm we were on our way to the theatre and stopped at a red light heading west towards the movie theatre. Off to the left of us three people were riding their bikes east towards the ocean. In a flash a car traveling at a high speed south flew through the intersection and all of a sudden we heard screeching tires, saw white smoke, and heard a large crash as if two cars collided. We saw something fly into the air and hit the ground. I looked over at Teresa and she said, "that was a person." I jumped out of the car and pulled out my cell phone and started running towards the body that lay lifeless in the middle of the road. I am connected with the local police and they start asking questions, "Is the person breathing? Who is screaming in the background? Can you tell me the license plate number of the car? Chris I am going to need you to take control of the situation until the police arrive!" During the questioning by the police officer I was running back and forth, checking the body, getting the license plate number, telling cars to pull off the road and staring at my wife as we stand next to a seemingly dead body and hearing the screams of a young woman "my husbands dead! He's my whole world! What am I going to do now? Oh my God, Oh my God, no no please don't die!" At that moment a man on bicycle rides up and he is an ER doctor and he is checking his pulse and from the looks of the doctor he could not find one. At that moment the police arrive and a few moments later the paramedics. The police ask all of us to move to the side since we are witnesses, they are going to need our statements. The rest of the night was filled with retelling the story to different investigators and signing witness statements.

Unfortunately this is not the first time I was the first on scene during a fatal accident. During one of my drives to Florida with a friend of mine and my father, we witnessed a car flipping in the middle of the air heading north on I-95. We immediately pulled to the middle of the median and ran to the scene as I called 911 from my cell phone. As I reached the vehicle explaining to the dispatcher where the accident happened I saw one woman in the passenger seat moaning in agony from the pain she said she was having. As I focused my eyes to the driver I realized that this woman driving had lost her life as her body lay limp and her eyes open but nothing was present. Two other people were ejected from the car and as I explain again to the dispatcher the scene of the accident he explains that the two ejected need to be held down so they do not hurt themselves more by moving. Holding the phone to my ear with my shoulder I hold the man down by pressing on his chest and softly saying, "sir please don't move, help is on the way." After the paramedics showed up I went back over to the car and the lady who was moaning in pain asked if I could call her son who was graduating college that day and let him know that she was in a car accident. This was not something that I really wanted to do but I felt that it would only be right if I did. I called this young man and let him know, I informed him of the location and he thanked me and I hung up. Moments later we got back in our car and continued to drive south towards our destination. I can still see the whole accident in my mind as if it just happened.

Last nights traumatic event leaves me with many existential questions. It also leaves me realizing how fragile life is. In just an instant so many people were affected by a single incident. A wife is now a widow, a driver is now a killer, 8 other people, including Teresa and I, are witnesses of a gruesome death that will forever stay with us. Why? All the little events that brought together a group of people to that location at that time is certainly unexplainable. I could sit for hours and try to find an answer for my question of why but in reality I am sure I will never know. What I can do is look at what the incident has taught me or showed me or enlightened me about life.

As I think about that young woman who lost her husband in an instant, I realize how it is so necessary to cherish every moment with my wife. Unfortunately tomorrow isn't promised to us and so for today I will cherish her love, her smile, her laughter, her compassion, her passion. I will take advantage of the moments that we have together and give her all my love at each moment.

As the image above says, Life is Fragile Handle with Prayer, I have made a decision even before last night to spend more time in prayer. I pray for the safety of my family but I also pray for me to love my wife to the fullest. This morning I pray for the family of the young man who left his body last night and entered into eternity. I pray for the witnesses who will forever have the horrid pictures tattooed into their memories, I pray for the driver who will have the guilt of killing an innocent man.

As the Son Rises

The past two days I decided that I would start them by going to the beach around 6am and watch the sun rise of the atlantic. Some of my friends have said that I am crazy because I wake up before the sun does and do various things. For some reason I am a person that doesn't need any more than 5 or 6 hours of sleep. If I go to sleep at 10 I am up by 3 or 4. If I go to sleep at 12 I am up at 5 or 6. It is something that has been going on with me since I was really young. I remember sleeping at friends houses was the worst. They would sleep till about 12 and I would be up at 6 just laying there, a couple of times I tried to get my dad to pick me up or something but when I couldn't it was painful to lay there and do nothing for that long. Anyway, I woke up and decided that I would spend my mornings on the beach watching the sun rise while listening on my IPhone the bible. I chose to listen to the book of John. With darkened skies the deep voice comes through my headphones saying, "In the beginning was the word, and the word was with God, and the word was God." My eyes start to water and chills run up and down my body. The thought of Jesus, the one who was there at the beginning of time and was behind creation, while sitting there watching this giant force, the sun, come above the horizon and bring light to the earth was emotional and existential.

The imagery of a sun rising up and giving the world light and newness of life is something that almost automatically draws me to Jesus. Lets think about it for a moment... Jesus was crucified and rose from the dead and brought newness of life to all mankind. He told his disciples that he was the light of the world. It seems pretty simple to put the pieces together and recognize that from the creation itself, God was giving us glimpses of his beautiful gift to all mankind.

This is my first try at real meditation. I have the words of scripture in my ears and the sun or son in my eyes. I spend the time praying and listening to what God is trying to say to me. Meditation is an ancient practice that is very difficult for someone like me. Teresa always tells me that I am A.D.D. because I can run around like crazy and constantly be doing something. So for me meditating very difficult to focus my mind and be calm and quiet and just listen to God. My plan is to do that at least twice a week.

Please pray that I would continue to make this routine

How's that humble pie?

What does it mean to be humble? What does it mean to accept the possibility that you may be wrong? Humility is not something that a lot of us are accustomed to, we don't like it and we want none of it. Humility is about acceptance and honesty, humility is about seeing beyond your own scope and recognizing that there may be more to something than you can see. Humility is knowing your place in the world and accepting it. We expect children to be humble and listen to what we tell them because we are older and we know more, we expect our subordinates at our jobs to be humble because we are the managers and supervisors, sometimes we expect our spouse's to be humble because we know more about a specific subject than they do, we expect humility from other people, but rarely do we practice this principle in our own lives.

The apostle Paul wrote, "the man who thinks he knows something does not yet know what he should know." We are a people who claim to know everything. We have all the information we can possibly want right at our fingertips. If I want to know what the year 200 b.c was like all I need to do is press a couple of keys and there it is, if I want to know who won the olympic games 40 years ago, its easy to find. In our world knowledge and information is so easy to acquire that we have all, in our own minds, become experts on any topic. The problem with this is that in reality we are not experts. We base most of what we know on google searches and wiki answers. We have not done the real work of study needed to become experts in anything.

Socrates said, "the only thing I know is that I know nothing." Socrates was a great teacher who using his own method. When someone came to him and asked him a question, Socrates would often ask a question back to the person and allow the person to come to the answer on his own. We call this the Socratic Method. Socrates believed that the answers to questions we hidden deep in the person and that he needed to do was allow them to see that they had the answer already. He would cause people to think and use their rational faculties in order to come to an understanding of things. Jesus often used this method (although I don't think he would have called it the Socratic Method) often with those that would listen to him speak. Someone would ask him a question and he would tell a story and then ask a question to the questioner. Asking questions to me is a sign of humility, it points to the fact that you don't know something but you believe the someone else might.

I believe that asking questions is a vital part of spiritual growth. When we want to understand something on a deeper level we ask questions in hopes that we will find the deeper meaning. Unfortunately asking questions in certain settings has been deemed inappropriate. What if you were sitting in church one day and the preacher says something that you didn't understand or even agree with? Would you just sit there and accept what he said or would you go up and ask him afterward to further explain? If you leave church that day without getting any clarification, then either you ignored him and kept thinking the way you want (not humble) or you just believed what he said and threw out your own understanding (not humble). In my understanding the best thing would be to go and speak to the person and ask questions. The person speaking may have more insight for you to better understand and so its possible that you may learn something new. Or maybe you may have more insight than that person and that person may learn something new.

Humility is not throwing away all your knowledge and experience, humility is recognizing that you may not know everything. Wisdom is combining what you have experienced and what information you have studied and conversing with those who have experienced and studied other things. Can you imagine if we were more open to others in our daily lives? Can you imagine what we can learn and what we can accomplish by pooling all the experience and knowledge around us?

I wonder what church would look like if we didn't have all these denominational splits. I wonder what would happen if we opened the doors to new ways of worship and study. I wonder if we are missing an experience with God because the name above the door to our church is different than the one down the road.

About 5 years ago I was exposed to a very different type of worship. I had never been to a Pentecostal church before and didn't know what to expect. As I sat in the seats listening to the loud music, watching people dance waving flags, trying to understand the people prostrating themselves, I prayed to God. I prayed that He would allow me to see the beauty in this form of worship and push out all my presuppositions and beliefs that the way I do it, in my church, is the only way it can be done. That prayer has been repeated many times over the last 5 years. It was a piece of humble pie that I needed to eat. I believe that piece of pie forever changed my life and has opened me up to the God is not boxed into my own understanding. God does not belong in our boxes, he doesn't belong in any box or confined space, so why do we try and put him there?

LOVE... Who needs it anyway...?

Love... so tricky, loaded, confusing, and hurtful yet, beautiful, breathtaking, desirous, and life changing. Love is one of those words that is not said enough but it is also said too much. We use the word to describe the woman or man who has found a way to alter your entire perception of the world but, in the same breath we will use the word to describe our favorite candy at the movie theatre. Love has been used as the reason to feed millions of homeless starving children around the world, yet its often used as an excuse to murder an entire family. Churches and religious people describe themselves as a light to show the world the love of God and then some will turn around and condemn an entire group of people without a second thought.

So really what is love and do we really need it?

Honestly the first thing I think of when I think of love is Jesus. Yesterday we talked about living as he lived and when we read about Jesus we see that he lived his live lovingly. He would hang around the people that others deemed inappropriate, dirty, less than human. Somebody actually stated that he was a drunk because of all the parties and dinners he went to with this grimy people. Jesus always showed love and right there, I think, is the definition of love.

Love is action, love is movement, love is letting go of self, love is putting others before you, love is getting rid of pride and surrendering yourself to someone else. Love is often defined as a feeling, its the butterflies in your stomach or the mesmerizing state when you see that person that takes your breath away. All these reactions to someone or something are valid and true but I just have a hard time believing that it is love. Love is determined by a decision. We decide that we are going to love. Some would even say that when you have a child you automatically love that child. This is, again, untrue, every mother makes a decision to love that child it does not automatically happen. The reason I know this is because if you look around and listen to the news you see people doing terrible things to their children. I just heard a story about a woman who beat her child to death but just to make sure she held that child under water for a few minutes. Does it seem that that mother automatically loved her child or did she make a decision to not love the child? This again leads me to believe that love is action and its a decision we make.

So why make the decision to love? Do we need love to survive? I am a firm believer that making a choice to love is something that keeps the human race going. There is so much hate in the world and if there was no love I don't believe I would be even able to sit here and type what I am typing, we probably would have been extinct a long time ago. The action of love that Jesus showed the world during his short life on earth is something that I want to know more about. How did he find it in his heart and his hands to love certain people. I mean if we look at the story of his life and death closely, he went around helping so many people and in the end most wanted him dead. He would go from village to village allowing the children to come to him, he would sit and eat and talk with the people most would turn away from. He told stories to people helping them to understand the importance of love and living that decision of love out in your everyday life.

Love... Who needs it? I do! I must make a conscious decision each day to love those around me. I must be willing to put others needs before myself. I must be willing to go beyond the conventional understandings of love and preserve its true meaning by living a life of love.

Practicing the Way of Jesus

Two times in the last two days I have read people say that they do not want to be called "christian" anymore. These two people have stated that unfortunately around the world, including, here in America, the label christian comes with a lot of negative connotation. I partly believe this to be true. I am not a world traveler so I can not speak in global terms but in my studies and conversations with people the word "christian" does carry a significant amount of baggage. I think for too long we have moved away from the true practices of the first century men and women who followed the way of Jesus. The word Christian actually means as an adjective, of or pertaining to, or derived from Jesus Christ or his teachings. It seems to me that his teachings at times get lost in all the religiosity of the church. Please don't misunderstand me, I love the church, I believe the church to be a vital part of following Jesus, I believe that the church, when moving in the right direction, is the catalyst for so many to come to an understanding of who Jesus is and how Jesus can transform your life. Again I say, unfortunately, for so long a different message has been preached from the pulpits.

Today's reading focused on what it means to be a disciple of Jesus in contrast to a member of the christian religion. I believe that the two can actually be the same when the focus of christianity is to be a disciple. If you look through history the practice of making disciples was very popular. When someone seemed to have something that others wanted or proved to be an excellent leader there were always others who wanted to follow in that persons footsteps. Socrates had Plato, Plato had Aristotle, and Aristotle had Alexander the Great. The passing on of wisdom and skills and beliefs is we should all be desirous of. Jesus used this method to spread his words and deeds. He told the disciples to go out and make more disciples and teach them what I have taught you.

So I pose this question, have the true teachings of Jesus been passed down through the ages to our generation?

To answer that question I guess I would need to take a survey.

One can read Matthew 5 and 6 to see some of the teachings of Jesus.

I can answer for myself. I on the whole do not follow the teachings of Jesus. I have a desire to do so but often fail. The idea of loving enemies, giving to the poor, letting go of my pride, being humble, being content, being restful, praying, meditating, not being angry, treating everyone with respect, etc are enormously difficult especially within the culture that we are in. See I think the struggle for me is the fact that I try to do these things without actually following Jesus. I try to do these things without actually being on the path with Jesus. I often try and follow him in my own strength. I need to let go.

Being a disciple means following along. See that is the difference between being a disciple and being an employee. When a boss tells you to go and do something you go and do it and often you accomplish that task on your own. Being a disciple is different. Being a disciple means walking next to the one your following. It means doing as that person does. As a disciple you are not on your own, your not all alone. Even as Jesus sent out his disciples he ended his statement by saying, "I will always be with you." So maybe if I instead walk with Jesus and do as he does I may be able to transform and actually be more like him. I may be able to practice the type of lifestyle he did, I may be able to have a relationship with God on the level that he did, I may even be able to love others the way that he did.

Prayer: God I ask that today you would allow me to follow Jesus. God I ask that you would help me to let go of my own pride and allow me to just follow instead of trying to lead all the time.

The Genesis of Practice

In this chapter of the Finding Our Way Again Mclaren points to the fact that the ancient practices of the three major religions can be seen to begin with Abraham. In fact Judaism, Islam, and Christianity look at Abraham as the father of their particular religion. The ancient practices that are going to be discussed over the next year are pilgrimage, fasting, sacred meal, common prayer, giving, Sabbath, and liturgical year. Each practice has a book dedicated to it in this series of books. Again my plan is to read through each one of them and interact not only in written word but also in action.

I want to put my thoughts into action. In many ways I have, for some, I am proud, for others, not so proud. But that is the journey of life. Journey is an interesting concept. Are you journeying through life? Do you recognize that life is a journey? I see life as a journey, or as used above, a pilgrimage. In life we set goals for ourselves and then we do our best to achieve those goals. These goals are pretty typical, house, family, retirement package, travel, etc. These are great goals. I have some of those myself. But, what about the goals that you can not see i.e. happiness, joy, peace, love, and gratitude. These goals are too often linked to the previous goals. Often what I have found and read when men and women look back on their lives the things that meant most to them were the latter goals. The houses and money and retirement packages were nice but they didn't bring what they really wanted.

For me, my journey and goals are going to consist of desiring both, but most important the things that cannot be seen. My thought is if I can not find those things that make the soul feel alive how will I ever really enjoy the things that make the body feel alive. If I am dead on the inside, how can I be alive on the outside.

It reminds me of Dorian Gray, in the story by Oscar Wilde, Gray's physical appearance never changes. Dorian recognizes that his beauty and his charm can get him anything he wants, so lives a scintillating life filled with serving the physical desires. One day he notices this painting on the wall and recognizes the face although it is old and decrepit. It was himself he saw in the painting only thing was the painting took all the results of his lifestyle. Hating himself and ignoring the priests suggestion he stabs the painting with his knife, and this in fact kills him because although he looked pleasant and pleased on the outside his true decaying portrait was his real self.

I wonder what my true self looks like? I wonder how much damage I have done over the years of gratifying selfish pleasures and focusing on what is seen rather putting my focus and attention on what is most important? I think for me this should be a daily question. As I think through ancient practices and apply them to my life, I should be asking the simple question of what is my goal? what do I want out of this? Who and What am I seeking?