My reading's lately have led me to think about a time about 25 years ago where my thinking began. About two weeks ago my father and I drove down to Florida to make my final move to the Sunshine State. It was a great ride. Although long and tiresome I have made that drive with my father so many times and each time and deeper bond is formed with him. My father has not only been my father but a real friend to me over the years. We communicate (as typical father and son) well together and we are not afraid to say whats on our minds. He critiques me, I critique him, he praises me, I praise him. He has taught me a lot of things and I believe that I have taught him some things. Well during this last drive to Florida we talked about contemplation and I can remember the first time I ever really contemplated things. It was when I was about 5 or 6 and we were driving down to Florida as a family to visit relatives. I was sitting in the backseat and looking out the window. In a car driving next to us I saw a woman crying. At that moment my mind started to contemplate why she was crying and I realized something, I realized that I have no idea why she is crying and I will never know. I realized that there was an entire world out there that I would have no knowledge or information about. I realized that my little world that included close family and some friends was not the center of the world just a part of it. Ever since then I have been asking these questions for better or worse.
My close friends are the same way. I have a handful of people that I would consider not just friends but family and each of them share this problem. I call it a problem because it creates a lot noise in the mind. It is difficult to look around you without thinking about all the problems all the issues that are going unsolved and unnoticed. When I was in college and working on the student development team my boss always called me a critical realist. He said that I was cynical and I often saw the problems with everything. Even within the different companies that I have worked I was called upon to make things better to see what the issues were and fix them. In some places I have been successful and in others I have not. The one place where I see failure all the times is in my own life and spiritual quests. I have a hard time seeing the problem and when the problem is pointed out I have an even harder time trying to fix it.
I was listening to a children's book the other day called A King Without a Shadow and in the book this King tries to understand where shadows come from and so he asks the wise men in his court about them and they talk to him about mirrors. They tell him that although he can see his reflection thats all that it is and it is imperfect. Actually, they say, you can never see yourself perfectly and you can never see yourself as other people see you. So when you are trying to change something about yourself, it seems to be best to ask for help.
King David wrote, "Search me oh God and know my heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there be any wicked way in me and lead me to the way of everlasting."
These last couple weeks of just moving to Florida and spending my mornings reading that thinking has led me back to this place. I want to be stretched in my life, I want to move forward I want to be better than I was yesterday and tomorrow I want to be better than I was today. I need help. I need the help of God and I need the help of others, I need to stay thinking and contemplating my life and the world around me. I need to notice things and keep my eyes open instead of walking around half asleep to others and myself.
I am thankful for my wife and the friends that I have, I am thankful for my father and the rest of my family who are so open with me and willing (sometimes a little to willing) to let me know what they see in me. I am thankful that God has a relationship with me and treats me as my friends and family treat me. He is willing to show me what I am to blind to see. Even though I consider myself a thinker and one who is willing to contemplate the big picture, I am still in need of others.
This is an honest review and assessment of where you are and where you want to go. I am thankful as a father for a son so open and willing to learn. Also what you are seeking is a very good thing!!
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